Baby Food

When Kelly’s impossible dream of being a mother becomes a reality, she’s left with a genetically-engineered baby that’s far from perfect... so she keeps it in the basement.

A “Sideways Productions” FILM
WRITTEN BY Allan George

Kelly is young, attractive, and successfully runs the family owned wallpaper store. She has a house with a white picket fence, a fat ginger cat, and a black labrador named Wally. What she really want’s in life is a baby, she’s obsessed with motherhood. But the sad truth is, she’s infertile.

As a last resort, she turns to Dr Gavin McNeil, even though his controversial practice of genetically-engineered babies has cast him under the media spotlight,
and got him exiled from ‘U.N.I.S.AS’ (The Upper North Island Scientist's Association of Science). In his laboratory/one-bedroom suburban unit, he impregnates Kelly with his ‘baby making’ formula, through a well lubricated garden-hose on a massage table.

Later that same night, Kelly wakes and she’s on the verge of exploding. Moments later, she gives birth to a dinosaur-sized egg. After finding ridiculous ways to keep the egg warm, it hatches, and what’s inside is not your ordinary, innocent child. It’s deformed. It has extra-long arms, short legs, and patchy ginger hair. It eats the cat and the dog, and refuses to eat anything other than fresh meat.

She locks it in the basement, and goes to extremes to keep it fed. She empties out the pet stores, buys animals from local farms, and picks up hitchhikers, prostitutes, and pizza delivery boys to keep it ‘well’ fed.

One night she arrives home to loud music, as Sarah, Kelly's ditzy ex-flatmate, has decided to celebrate Kelly’s birthday, three weeks early; which includes an oiled up male stripper, and copious amounts of alcohol..

Her baby can smell the perfume-infused meat through the floorboards. It bursts through the basement door and hunts them down one by one, turning the party into a deadly game of ‘hide and seek’.